Hi, I'm your intoxicated nurse who's having a stroke.

I don’t know why, but I have a terrible predisposition for getting aphthous ulcers (also known as canker sores, for all the non-medical peeps) in my mouth. I have always had them, and I probably always will.

Right now, I have a giant one on the side of my freaking tongue. This is pretty much the worst spot ever to have a canker sore, I have decided. It hurts to swallow, it hurts to eat, and most annoying of all, it hurts to talk. I have adapted to having the sore there by not moving my tongue when I talk. Result: I sound like a drunk.

This was a little problematic today at work. I was the triage nurse, the first nurse you see in an ER. People were eyeing me suspiciously as I painfully stumbled through my words, my jaw stiff as though I had lockjaw. I wanted to assure them that I was completely sober and substance-free, but that somehow didn’t seem appropriate.

Me: “Ah you preh-nuh?”

Patient: “Huh?”

Me: “AH YOU PREH-NUH?”

Patient: “No, I don’t take that medication.”

Me, pointing at patient’s belly and miming rocking a baby: “Preh-nuh??”

Patient: “Oh. Um. No.”

Still, I managed to get my assessments done. Until I had to do them in Spanish. I usually manage to triage a Spanish-speaking patient just fine, without any difficulty, but apparently my slurred Spanish doesn’t sound like a language at all. I used lots of hand gestures, pointing, and at one point, drew a picture of the chest cavity.

As the night wore on, I couldn’t take it anymore. It finally dawned on me, I’m in an emergency room. And I’m a nurse. I can fix this! I went to the medicine cabinet, grabbed a bottle of Cetacaine (numbing spray), and numbed up the right side of my mouth. Ah, sweet relief.

Thirty seconds later, the right side of my mouth was drooping open and I had a small trickle of saliva making its way toward my chin. First I appeared drunk, then I appeared to be having a stroke. Nice.

At least no one will be there to see me this afternoon when I wake up with my face glued to my pillow in a saliva slick.