Hi, I'm your intoxicated nurse who's having a stroke.

I don’t know why, but I have a terrible predisposition for getting aphthous ulcers (also known as canker sores, for all the non-medical peeps) in my mouth. I have always had them, and I probably always will.

Right now, I have a giant one on the side of my freaking tongue. This is pretty much the worst spot ever to have a canker sore, I have decided. It hurts to swallow, it hurts to eat, and most annoying of all, it hurts to talk. I have adapted to having the sore there by not moving my tongue when I talk. Result: I sound like a drunk.

This was a little problematic today at work. I was the triage nurse, the first nurse you see in an ER. People were eyeing me suspiciously as I painfully stumbled through my words, my jaw stiff as though I had lockjaw. I wanted to assure them that I was completely sober and substance-free, but that somehow didn’t seem appropriate.

Me: “Ah you preh-nuh?”

Patient: “Huh?”

Me: “AH YOU PREH-NUH?”

Patient: “No, I don’t take that medication.”

Me, pointing at patient’s belly and miming rocking a baby: “Preh-nuh??”

Patient: “Oh. Um. No.”

Still, I managed to get my assessments done. Until I had to do them in Spanish. I usually manage to triage a Spanish-speaking patient just fine, without any difficulty, but apparently my slurred Spanish doesn’t sound like a language at all. I used lots of hand gestures, pointing, and at one point, drew a picture of the chest cavity.

As the night wore on, I couldn’t take it anymore. It finally dawned on me, I’m in an emergency room. And I’m a nurse. I can fix this! I went to the medicine cabinet, grabbed a bottle of Cetacaine (numbing spray), and numbed up the right side of my mouth. Ah, sweet relief.

Thirty seconds later, the right side of my mouth was drooping open and I had a small trickle of saliva making its way toward my chin. First I appeared drunk, then I appeared to be having a stroke. Nice.

At least no one will be there to see me this afternoon when I wake up with my face glued to my pillow in a saliva slick.

Funky Funk

I thought about writing a happy post to cheer up Plan C, but in the end I’ve decided to stick to the sad theme and write about my latest depression.

I’m in a funk this week. I hate funks because I don’t know what they are. What causes them? One day I’m doing great, then bam, everything in the world is mediocre at best and mostly depressing, and I find myself identifying with angsty Kelly Clarkson songs. Oh man, I've hit a new low.

This is the difference between my post and the two preceding mine. The two previous writers have very good reasons to be sad. Me? Not so much. I’ve got the chronic depressing factors--the insane divorced parents, the jailbird sister, the archenemy at work--but I deal with those issues every day. They’re hardly acute. Everyone’s got those.

The weird thing about funks is how I feel unwilling to pull myself out of them. You’d think I’d engage in something fun, try to cheer myself up. Instead, I’m brooding over old journals, regretting various things from the past that can’t be changed, and listening to music that makes a good soundtrack to sadness.

For example, this Get Up Kids song reminds me of someone I want to talk to but apparently will never have the balls to do so. Oh, and here’s that Something Corporate song that reminds me of how I acted like an ass something like four years ago. And Eisley, hell, it’s just a sad song.

I should turn it off. But it’s like a watching a train wreck; I keep doing it, fascinated by the gruesome details of my sadness.

This is pretty pathetic--sounds like I’m in the throes of a full-on pity party over nothing when other contributors to this website are dealing with very real grief. I shouldn’t even have written this, right?

The thing is, I’m hoping this pitiful display is the rock bottom of this funk, which means I have to feel better tomorrow.

I will feel better tomorrow. Or else I'll give myself a reason to feel sad! (said in the same tone of voice my mother used back when I was six and crying for no good reason)